As I sit here with the only light being this bright computer screen, as my milk is being suctioned out of me, I can't help but wonder if this new person that has emerged is going to be enough.
Tonight we got home late and so I immediately put Pey in her highchair, which she then started banging on in anticipation of food. Rod boiled the water to start dinner, which was just simple ravioli and some vodka sauce (a staple these days). After feeding her, I took her a bath while Rod folded the wrinkled laundry I left out from earlier and prepared our plates (He loves being wrinkly Rod haha oops). From there I usually take her straight to her room to read her a book and put her to bed but I was starving so from there it's a contest of who can eat the fastest so the other person can eat without fingers in their nose and mouth. Anyway, After the baby was asleep and we laid in bed I thought about how amazing it feels when things run smoothly and successfully because it's often crazy with a side of friendly bickering. Life with a baby is definitely only made for the strong and communication couldn't be more important than it is now!
This got me thinking about what it's going to be like when Peyton gets older especially because I know she's going to be a big daddies girl. Am I going to be smart enough to help with her homework? Will she call me her best friend but be respectful of the rules around her? But most of all, will I be wise enough and strong enough to know when to let the reigns loosen and when to tighten them up? Yes, of course, I've always thought about being a mother but i've also always thought about being a professional sky diver, everything is different once you're there. When you're hanging off the edge of a plane and you see your friend in front of you disappear faster than the donut you ate that morning, a bunch of questions start rolling in. Reality has set in. Yes, I just compared motherhood to a skydiver and if you think about it they are very similar. You really are just thrown into it and it's the scariest thing in the world in those final few moments before you jump. Then...it's just beautiful, like nothing in the world can stop you and you can see everything laid out in front of you. However, then you start to see the reality coming at you like...well like earth usually does when you jump from a plane. You start to wonder things, questions you knew you had but pushed away because to answer them would mean that you had some doubts or that you were actually scared. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubts about our ability to raise our daughter but I'm realizing how scary it is to have a daughter and want to teach her but shield her at the same time. Finding that balance is different for everyone and every mother daughter has a different dynamic. I just hope Peyton and I's dynamic is...um bitchin' haha. Let's face it, whether you're jumping out of a plane or a new mommy, either way the likelihood of changing a diaper or undergarment is high!
Am I right? I've said it once and I'll say it again, the single mothers out there are super humans because without my fiancé I would have no hair left, rocking myself in the corner holding my knees....praying for help. I'm so thankful to have a best friend and supporter throughout this transition process into becoming parentals!
Photography: Natalie Schutt